bits and pieces from my stream of consciousness. some are more complete than others.


A tired dream

Sometimes I daydream about having a little store. I would have a store, a space, people would come, and that would be it. I wouldn't have to be anyone, be anywhere. In some ways this is idyllic – stress-free and sunny. But also, it's kinda sad because it is a dream about no longer trying. Or at least in comparison to trying as hard as I am now, to keep learning, growing, going. 

It's an ironic time to have this reflection because most people are feeling gung-ho and optimistic about the year ahead, starting new routines, fitness goals (I am on this train this year!), etc. But I also have to acknowledge how much dread I feel because of how this past year of coronavirus has been a string of tests of resilience and perseverance to unexpected changes and cancellations of plans.

"2021 will be a great one!", "A busy one!" – while I really would love for these to be true, I can't help but feel a bit heavy as I put on my 'trying' shoes again. But, maybe it'll wear off like the soreness from newly awakened muscles from a new work out routine (:


What stories are worth telling? 

I think that depends who you are asking. As mostly a creator and consumer, my answer would likely differ very much from a marketer or someone who is concerned with the 'business' side of things.

I've been thinking a lot about trends and why some stories trend and why others don't. And how some companies thrive on knowing their market and creating things specifically for them. But something about that model really bugs me, because while it's great in some ways, it could also take away from the potential breadth and variety of content that gets put out there and is seen and heard. As a consumer, I find this a real struggle when looking for 'something different' to widen my horizons. 

As a creator, I also find that the question of 'what will pick up?' dampens my instinct to just make something. It's a real struggle behind why my sketchbooks are empty, why this blog has the few posts it has. Will it be good? Will it resonate? Will it make money? These are all external criteria for what is worthwhile, in the eyes of others. But what about in my own eyes? I AM the one putting the work in, the creator, after all. It needs to be worthwhile in MY eyes, MY heart and gut, above all else!

I think to answer the question of what is worth sharing, I have to also think about what purpose art serves to me. It is an expression of myself, and how I see and understand the world. Sometimes it's a byproduct of a journey, other times, it's a journey in itself. The deciding question that I'm going to test out for the coming year is: "Did the journey change me (for better or for worse?)?" If the answer is yes, there is a story within that is worth telling.